Better Days.

Eddie Vedder is a poet.  A beautiful poet who helped to snap me back into the relm of writing about my future adventures.  Life seems to get in the way sometimes and as John Lennon once said "Life is what happens when your busy making other plans".....so thank you Eddie and John for helping pull me back to thinking about the future.  My mac took a crash last May and instead of trying to fix it or get a new one and waste more money, I've gone without with the exception of the house desktop.  As a result, in the last month I've actually purchased 3 new cd's.  I really forgot how many great songs I've loved from cd's I bought for one song and then after listening to the entire cd found others that spoke to me.  Tonight I came home with the soundtrack for Eat, Pray, Love(and I also forgot how much I truly love soundtracks!) and as a result of the trailer for the same movie, I brought home Florence and the Machine's cd, Lungs.  Love dogs days are over, it makes me want to take off and go so much sooner than I thought I'd want to in the past.  Music reaches so far, makes you want more, pulls at your emotions, reminds you of moments, and takes you away.

Organizing.

So I've decided it's time to organize.  I'm not talking about a shelf in a closet or the bills on the desk, I'm talking about organizing my life.  I want to be in some of the best shape of my life when I go on this trip.  This is bringing me to organizing what I'm eating and trying to get healthier, along with getting in shape.  Always it seems to come to getting into shape, but this time it has to happen.  I won't let myself travel abroad being uncomfortably smushed in an airline seat or unable to climb a mountain if that is something I choose to do.

Eminem.

A little off the wall, I know.
A bit strange, sure.
A tad unusual, yes.
Really accurate.

I know what you're thinking, Eminem?  What in the world would she be writing about Eminem for on a blog about traveling?  Well, this is how it goes, Eminem has been quite the unique pull for me over the years.  I have this thing where I really feel like he's almost walking a parallel path with me here in life.  Crazy, I know but he's gotten me through a few rough spots and been the lyrics to push me into other paths.  Let me explain a little bit more....also a warning, explicit language may follow:

1996
Eminem releases his first album, Infinite. A beginning of a new career and life for him.
I, begin college....the beginning of who I really feel I am and there seems to be an infinite amount of possibilities out there for me.  I finally get to break free and BE me, a fresh start, a new beginning, the start of who I will become.

1998
Slim Shady.  Eminem seems to be going in a direction of success....he's becoming more recognizable and people are seeing his talent.
My life was evolving into who I would be today.  I changed my major and everything seemed to be falling into place and I felt as if for the first time people knew me for me and for what I could do.

2001
Marshall Mathers.  Stan.
This song dwells on an obsessed fan reaching out to Eminem over and over again, now, I'm not that obsessed fan, but parts of this song were really reaching out for someone who wasn't there for you.  This was a time in my life when I had lost someone who I loved with all my heart and no matter how I waited or tried....there was no response back and I felt lost and confused.  The end of this song there was a stark realization the fan had committed a murder suicide.  This ending actually was something that helped me to realize there is an end to something....but unlike the fan, I felt more like Eminem reaching a understanding and going 'wow'....It helped me to wake up and go 'wow', it's over and there's nothing more I can do.

2002
8 Mile Soundtrack.  Lose Yourself.
This is the song that made me take the leap to move to New Orleans.....It made me think of what my dreams were and opened me up to applying to inner city schools across the country.  This pushed me to take the chance and lose myself by going after what I wanted and to take off......the lyrics tell it all.  The lines that really hit me are colored...


Lose Yourself:
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?
(Verse 1)
Yeah,
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
(Chorus)
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)
(Verse 2)
This soul's escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, homey grows hotter
He blows it's all over, these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the Globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water
These hoes don't want him no mo', he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da
(Chorus)
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)
(Verse 3)
No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like two dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up, and spit out, and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin' the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the
Fact that I can't get by with my nine to five
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
'Cause man, these Goddamn food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot or end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's Lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not 'cause maybe the only opportunity that I got
(Chorus)
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)
(Outro)
You can do anything you set your mind to, man

2002-2003
The Eminem Show. Cleaning Out My Closet.
Now....although this song mirrors a parent, all I saw in this one is who I was after college.....a little lost and looking for a way to clean out my own closet of a life.  I was lost, working a long term sub job, feeling like I needed to move on. It was also a moment I knew I needed to find myself again.  I was also struggling with some family things at the time and although I hadn't wanted to hurt others, it still happened.  Here's the chorus...
I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm
cleanin' out my closet, {one more time}, I said i'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I
never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet...

2005-2008
Eminem took a musical hiatus here.....I took a mental hiatus from life and just went through the motions thanks to Hurricane Katrina.  Not an easy time....

2009
Relapse.
This album was his first in a long time, and it wasn't really a decent album.  Nothing like his previous ones.  This is the year I feel like I started to try being 'me' again, and it didn't work out all that well either.

2010
Recovery.  Not Afraid.
Although this entire album seems to have hit the mark.....Not Afraid is my favorite.  To me it's another classic song that pulls at me in a place so deep many will never see.  A place few are ever let in.  This song has felt like an awakening to me.  It helped me to want more again in life.  I want more now again and that's why I'm leaving this entry here...

I'm not afraid to want things again.
I'm not afraid to dream again.
I'm not afraid to take that leap again.
I'm not afraid to see my strength again after a long period of darkness.

Not Afraid:

(hook)

'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
(Intro)
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
(Verse 1)
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe
(Hook)
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
(Verse 2)
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
(Hook)
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
(Bridge)
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
(Verse 3)
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and
(Hook)
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Bali.

Thinking about this journey, I'm very interested in going to Bali.  This is an odd one for me because never before have I felt the need or desire to travel to Indonesia. I guess you could say it's one of those places I've overlooked in the past, one I put off because the culture never really seemed to interest me.  This all changed watching Eat, Pray, Love.  I know not all movies are filmed in their real-setting locations, but this one was actually filmed in Bali.  I looked it up.  The images of Bali I've found since then are stunning, absolutely beautiful.  I've learned that Bali is a Hindu country and escapes the more typical Muslim cultures which surround Indonesia and India. I've learned that Bali has exquisite beaches and spectacular land features.  I've also learned that the monsoon season is over by June, which will make it a perfect time for me to make my journey.  Bali is also supposed to be one of the best places in the world for underwater life with an abundance of fish, coral, dolphins, sharks, crustaceans, and eels.  Up until the last century Bali also was inhabited by tigers and elephants, sadly though they are now gone.  Such horrible things people do to the nature of our planet.  Bali is also a very communal place, where families work/celebrate ceremonies together as a way of life. Hard to believe that a few weeks ago I knew next to nothing about Bali and now it's a place that is fascinating me in ways I never thought it could.

Although my journey is far off, and my ideas of where to go right now are scattered.....I'm finding I might need to plan which way around this world I'd like to go.  I have a multitude of places I want to discover but there will have to be some planning on my part because I can't just go skipping off to Bali then Europe then Africa then Australia in no particular order.  It's looking like I need to decide which way to go first.....and maybe the New York to Europe route would be smartest. I'm thinking one of my last stops will be towards Bali/Australia or to some other South Pacific island nation before returning to the United States in August or July.  My goal is for the first U.S. soil to touch down on to be Hawaii, I think that would be a great way to be welcomed back into the country.

Waves.

It's coming upon the 5 year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.....and after beginning this blog yesterday, adding a playlist of traveling songs I think I'd love to hear and that are upbeat, and a night of golf with multiple beers....I came home to look over my blog again, (I love writing by the way) and noticed that one of the songs I picked, Walking on Sunshine is sung by Katrina and The Waves.  I decided today that I was going to travel next summer and no one can take that away from me, I even encountered my first person challenging me to that and going on and on about the 'what if's' about leaving.  Coming home to see this I feel like it's just another sign to tell me that it's time.

I'm going to make this happen.

The Real Beginning.

Travel to me is what other people would consider a 'getting close to god' experience.  Although I'm very much opposed to the ideas of organized religion and some of the restrictions man has put upon it due to conforming societal 'morals', I believe there's got to be something there to keep us here, living, alive, thinking, breathing, beating, and striving for something in our lives.  I mean, look around sometime....see the world.  And I don't mean see by looking at the world like "Hey there's a tree, a car, a person, a cloud", I mean really look.  Sometimes a few blades of grass reaching up out of a cement jungle is truly breathtaking.  The way the wind of cars or a soft breeze can whisp it one way or another so softly.  A few small, bright green, fragile blades of grass can sometimes bring up enough strength to push up where it wasn't expected.  Those few blades of grass found their place in this world and they're trying.  I want to try to find my place.

I want to travel.
I want to explore.
I want to find.
I want to discover.
I want to grow.

My hope....scratch that.....my determination to travel is going to start here.  I keep looking for a friend to travel with, and don't get me wrong, I've really enjoyed traveling with friends....road trips, flights to far off lands, weekend adventures.....but in the midst of all of that, I always find myself searching for a peace, a solitude while I'm traveling.  Usually I can grasp it for a short time and enjoy a few minutes or hour away alone, but it's never enough and it always keeps me yearning for more. Eat, Pray, Love and How to Be Single have pulled at that part of me that is yearning to take off.....find myself, see what is within and discover my strength, look for peace, and explore until I find a bridge where I can "Attraversiamo" or find someone where together I can say attraversiamo.....let's cross over.


So where do I begin on this journey?  I need to find the funds to go and just do it.  I have my darling dog who will also be not only greatly missed but need to find a safe and healthy place to stay.  What am I saying!?  Here I go again with the excuses!  NOT OKAY!  I need to do this.....so I'm going to set a goal or a dream of sorts.  I have been accomplishing my dreams for years now and now it's time to set a new one and just go for it. I want to leave on this exploration of myself in June of 2011.....wait....I will leave on this exploration in June of 2011.  So here I go.....this will be the beginning of my story, beginning of my journey.


June 2011 it is!

Eat, Pray, Love

So my life hasn't taken the normal turns or cultural sequences that I would have expected it to take.  I'm 32 and I still feel like a 23 year old exploring who I am and what I want in the world.  I have an excellent career teaching elementary school, lived in 3 different states, have a good family, a great dog, but there's so much more still missing. 

I am single.
I am in debt.
I feel trapped.
I feel caged.

I recently read Eat Pray Love.  I know it's one of those books that 'everyone loved' but I can't help but wonder if they really embraced it and took it all in.  I saw the movie tonight and was aggravated at people laughing at moments.  I think it's a movie of self discovery.  Of finding yourself again or rather continuing on that journey.  I need to find myself again......so here is where I'm going to begin.

I have big plans.
I have big dreams.
I want more from this time spent here.