Struggles.

I can't help but struggle with my daily life at times.  The plain.  The conservative job.  The co-workers.  The mononity of it.  When I taught in New Orleans it was everyone working together, helping, supporting, giving, caring.  Here, although it feels like that at times and it is a good school, most of the time I feel very seperate and disconnected.  I find myself closing my door throughout the day and just wanting to be with my students and teach, do nothing else, but teach.  As soon as the door opens, the stress level always seems to rise.  Today was a struggle and I'm still trying to de-stress.  So as I sit here looking for some bright light at the end of a dreary day, travel comes into my mind.  As of yesterday, my plane tickets to Ireland have been purchased.  So June 11th, I'll leave this country and skip across 'the pond' with my mom and spend two weeks in a new world.  I can't help but wonder if I'll go and choose to leave and not stay here in this town.  The pay is good, the benefits good, but I don't think this is the place where I'll find peace in my life. 

Fate.

The dictionary defines fate as "The will or principle or determining cause by which things in general are believed to come to be as they are or events to happen as they do"  or "The three goddesses who determine the course of human life in classical mythology."  I like both. 

It's been quite awhile since I've written here and over the last few weeks I've had a difficult time looking to the summer and what it will become.  The school year ending will bring about a complete end to all of my credit card debt.  A long 3 1/2 year journey that has brought me pain, struggles, and a great sense of accomplishment.  I've been looking forward to traveling but on the opposite side I need to finish my masters and find a place to live, living with my parents has helped me to get out of the deep hole I was in, but I need my own place more than anyone could ever comprehend.  As all of these decisions come upon me it seems as though the traveling is the only one that I feel so compelled to do.  Tonight as I was thinking maybe I should do the 'responsible' decision and finish school and get a house, a quote from Eat Pray Love came up on my facebook feed from a friend.  Fate or Irony? 

I look to every Monday night at 8pm just to see Justin and Scott on Departures and their adventures across the globe and how when something comes up career or life wise to tug them back home, something always happens to keep them there on their journey.   It's calling to me to do what I feel like if I don't do now, I'll never do.  I want to go, I want to experience, I want to be able to breathe.  I'm scared to do it alone, I'm scared of the price and the fear of something happening, but if I don't go I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Departures.

I've discovered my newest guilty pleasure.  Halogen.  It's a cable television channel with shows so relaxed and laid back about travel.  The show I'm loving is a show called Departures.  It's basically these two guys who gave up their lives to travel for a full year.  The two men in their late 20's or early 30's just took off with their friend who's a camera man and documented their travels.  One of the guys, Justin is such a laid back guy who is the more carefree but lost at times within his soul.  He said at one point the difference between vacation and travel is that vacation is sitting on a beach somewhere warm and drinking where travel is getting out to new countries and exploring, perfect description.  I want to travel. 

The few times that I've watched the show they've traveled through various places in India....visited Nepal and the coast.  Within Nepal they went on the Toy Train and at various times and journeys tried to see Mt. Everest but couldn't due to the clouds.  So is life when nature takes over and you just can't control things.  The other guy, Scott is the more level headed guy who seems to be more of a take charge, planner type, and more formal, although not much seems to be planned on their trip.  They are doing what I want to do.  Just go.  The episode I'm currently watching is one where they are on Ascencion Island and their enjoying the crabs, fishing, hiking, worst golf ever, and finally the night life.    There's so much I want to do and so many places I don't ever want to forget.  I know this is small in the grand scale of traveling, but by writing all of this down I'm holding myself accountable to what I don't always remember about where I want to travel and why I want to travel.  I want to experience the world, see places most people never will, meet people who may pass through my life just once or forever, and find the strength inside myself to discover.

Personal Narratives.

So, I'm currently sitting in my classroom while my entire class of 4th graders are writing a personal narrative.  I thought it would be good for me to set an example and write as well, so here I am writing on my blog as they write on their yellow legal pads,  the rough draft to which I'll be editing so they can make their final copies for their parents during conferences.  Here's my personal narrative....

    Gathering our mats, towels, snorkling gear, and books, Sarah and I walked down the parking lot path to Wailea beach.  Being in Hawaii was absolutely amazing and perfect in almost every way.  The sun shone brightly in the morning, the Pacific rolled her waves gently onto the sandy beaches and the clear salt water beckoned for us to "Come on in, the waters fine!"   Walking through the soft sand, feeling it slip beneth my toes is the most comforting feeling in the world for me.  The ocean always seems to be a place where tranquility comes to me in overwhelming rushes of peace.  
    As we moved closer to the water, a small patch of warm sand called for our towels and we set up camp in the morning sunlight.  I fairly quickly put my things down, set tiny piles of sand on each of the corners just in case the trade winds kicked up and reached for my blue netted bag.  My snorkling gear was screaming to be pulled out and used.  Setting my sandles aside and reaching for the bag, I took out my de-frogger and squirted it on the snorkling mask to help avoid it from fogging up. 
      The time was finally here, I put the last touches of SPF 70 on my Michigan skin and stood up, flippers in hand.  I adjusted the snorkling mask and breathing tube, wiped the last strand of my long brown hair back into the ponytail, looked toward Sarah and started toward the perfectly blue Maui waters.  One step into the surf was all I needed, finally I felt like I was home in my element, the warm, salty ocean water.

Changes.

It's so difficult for me to plan anything.  I don't do well with planning months in advance nor even at times hours in advance.  I just don't do well with that.  A little ironic with all of the planning I have to do at work, I know, but my own life is the complete opposite...thank you Gemini side.  The plans to go to Bali seem to be getting further away or just a little bit more gray.  After agreeing to go to Ireland next year with my mom over spring break, she didn't get the time off but instead got the 2 weeks after school ends off and I just couldn't tell her no after seeing how excited she was.  Now my fear is this....if I go to Ireland in June I might not go to Bali in June.  A big part of me just wants to go to Ireland and then take off from there for Bali, but I don't want to leave my mom alone to get home.....but I think I could do it.  I'm a little worried right now, but I know it'll all work out.  Maybe to Bali for late July/August instead?

The Box.

So.  I've bought my box, of course you would know since I already wrote about it here.  Tonight I cleaned and found the islands travel magazine I bought at LAX on the way home from Hawaii.  It's one that I said would help me to take off and find new exotic places to travel to.  The magazine is now destroyed, but my box has some new cool pictures and sayings. 

Fall.

Rusty red is appearing everywhere.  The evening sun casts golden hues across the horizon.  Green is fading quicker than a flash of lightening.  I miss spring and summer.   I've never been very fond of fall.  I've never enjoyed the lush green carpet of the world fading.  I've never been a fall person.  I have two exceptions to this, the first being a 2-3 day span where the leaves are still vivid on the trees with a Michigan fall sky, cooler weather (but still warm enough to have my car windows open), and a certain smell of fall floating through the air.   The second are the days when the fall has disappeared to a beautiful winter wonderland of white fields and cascading flakes falling from the sky.  After about a month of snow, I'm ready for spring. 

Over the past two weeks I decided to offer myself up as a travel buddy to my mom.  She's always wanted to go to Ireland, so I told her I'd go this coming spring break.  I'm not sure how this is going to change my plans for the summer, but a trip to Ireland won't be a cheap trip.  It's not that I don't want to go, I'm going to love it in Ireland, it's just that my heart is now set on going to Bali.  Maybe it'll just be a trip a month later than I originally planned?  Like a late June, early July trip?