Seconds.

This past weekend was quite the experience for me.  I had the joy of attending a good friends wedding with a few other amazingly phenomenal friends.  First off, I had rushed down to Chicago from work and ended up stuck in traffic for about an hour and a half and found myself steaming at the lack of public transportation actually moving in a modern city.  It took myself many times telling myself to 'slow down and chill' throughout this bumper interstate that transverses that city.  Finally I took a side street, followed my gps and found myself completely relaxing.  It didn't matter if this route was going to take me 5, 10, or 20 miles outside of where I was focused on going, it was all about getting the space to breathe!  Once again it made me think I need to get out.....it's weird feeling so claustrophobic in a country that is so vast.  I have to wonder if someday this whole planet will feel cramped to me?  I did always want to see what was beyond earth and get that amazing view of our blue planet from space.  :)  And Neptune always seems so beautiful....although a bit cold and gasy. 

As Saturday rolled in, I found myself slowing down and enjoying the wedding, feeling beautiful and more confident than I usually do.  The wedding was beautiful and the company was good.  Throughout the day I found myself opening up and relaxing, it felt good.   It always does me well to be around people who I can just relax and be me with and not feel judged, something I consistently feel at work.

Sunday was a relaxing day and J and I went to see Eat, Pray, Love.  My 2nd time around of course.  It was good for me to refresh those feelings I have about traveling which have come full force with this movie.  I focused in this time with the scene about the box.  The one character had the box of baby clothes, something I was sick to my stomach about (really thinking kids/marriage just isn't me) and the other, Liz's was a box of travel.  So this is my next step in the journey of where I'm headed....I bought my box.  It's a blue, cloth letter type of box with two simple silver hinges on it.  Thank you Ikea, it only costs $4.00.  (I know this trip can be affordable.....and this was yet another 'sign' of sorts!)  Now the box is here, it's started.  The 2nd ticket stub of Eat Pray Love is inside of it.  Let the journey begin continue.

Florence.

So it's only fitting that I start this time writing and of course, like I usually do, try to open with a title. A topic of sorts to get me started.  The one or two word ones are usually my style. Anywho, I knew I wanted to write about Florence and the Machine's song Dog Days Are Over and another moment of 'the universe' screaming out to me HELLO....TRAVEL!  Florence not only is an artist, but also a city in Italy.  Check another city to the list I must visit!   Weird how much things connect.  Maybe I'm looking for it, maybe it's coinsidence, and maybe it's just a fluke.  I'm chosing to believe it's a 'calling' of sorts. 
Now the reason I started to write this blog is because I'm addicted to the song Dog Days Are Over lately.  It's yes, wait for it......a song from the movie Eat Pray Love.  Like Whoa.....but seriously now, everytime I hear it I think of sad days being over and a horizon of bigger and better things to come.  The song talks about running from happiness that's charging at you and wow, that's a lot.  I've charged away from happiness.  I've run from things hiding back into myself, I know I have, but I need to be ready for this happiness to come up to me.  I'm just about ready to go charging at it with a horse of steel.  My Dog Days Are soon to be Over.

Realization Moments.

A weekend of time spent with a few of the girls I hold so very dear to my heart.  These girls are ones who not only care and take care of me, but they also push me.  They've pushed me to look inside myself and see who I am, and they keep trying to show me how valuable I really am. These are a few of the very tiny amount of people who I know really see how difficult I am on myself and how much I've given up, and they've been able to see through it and make me face it.  They don't agree with me all the time, and they don't let me off the hook.  I need them because, I don't always believe this on my own.  Yes, it's been a very hard five years.  My life was uprooted, I've struggled with finances, and I've had my heart broken to a point where I gave up on myself.  I'd stop believing I was worthy of someone else.  I know what's possible out there.  I know how deeply I can be loved.  I know what real love is.  I just struggle with it and with not being able to have it find me again or being able to find it.  Not here to ask for sympathy or to have someone say buck up, I'm here to just let it out and release it. 

....And then I get home, watch some tv and after saying I wasn't going to do it, I turn on the MTV VMA's....and what do I see?  Eminem being awarded the best hip hop song of the year for Not Afraid.....and the girl announces he's already left to go to New York.  To me, yet another sign that a traveling expedition is on my horizon.  I believe the universe tries to tell you things and it just kicked my ass again and told me I will do this.  Peace.

Better Days.

Eddie Vedder is a poet.  A beautiful poet who helped to snap me back into the relm of writing about my future adventures.  Life seems to get in the way sometimes and as John Lennon once said "Life is what happens when your busy making other plans".....so thank you Eddie and John for helping pull me back to thinking about the future.  My mac took a crash last May and instead of trying to fix it or get a new one and waste more money, I've gone without with the exception of the house desktop.  As a result, in the last month I've actually purchased 3 new cd's.  I really forgot how many great songs I've loved from cd's I bought for one song and then after listening to the entire cd found others that spoke to me.  Tonight I came home with the soundtrack for Eat, Pray, Love(and I also forgot how much I truly love soundtracks!) and as a result of the trailer for the same movie, I brought home Florence and the Machine's cd, Lungs.  Love dogs days are over, it makes me want to take off and go so much sooner than I thought I'd want to in the past.  Music reaches so far, makes you want more, pulls at your emotions, reminds you of moments, and takes you away.

Organizing.

So I've decided it's time to organize.  I'm not talking about a shelf in a closet or the bills on the desk, I'm talking about organizing my life.  I want to be in some of the best shape of my life when I go on this trip.  This is bringing me to organizing what I'm eating and trying to get healthier, along with getting in shape.  Always it seems to come to getting into shape, but this time it has to happen.  I won't let myself travel abroad being uncomfortably smushed in an airline seat or unable to climb a mountain if that is something I choose to do.

Eminem.

A little off the wall, I know.
A bit strange, sure.
A tad unusual, yes.
Really accurate.

I know what you're thinking, Eminem?  What in the world would she be writing about Eminem for on a blog about traveling?  Well, this is how it goes, Eminem has been quite the unique pull for me over the years.  I have this thing where I really feel like he's almost walking a parallel path with me here in life.  Crazy, I know but he's gotten me through a few rough spots and been the lyrics to push me into other paths.  Let me explain a little bit more....also a warning, explicit language may follow:

1996
Eminem releases his first album, Infinite. A beginning of a new career and life for him.
I, begin college....the beginning of who I really feel I am and there seems to be an infinite amount of possibilities out there for me.  I finally get to break free and BE me, a fresh start, a new beginning, the start of who I will become.

1998
Slim Shady.  Eminem seems to be going in a direction of success....he's becoming more recognizable and people are seeing his talent.
My life was evolving into who I would be today.  I changed my major and everything seemed to be falling into place and I felt as if for the first time people knew me for me and for what I could do.

2001
Marshall Mathers.  Stan.
This song dwells on an obsessed fan reaching out to Eminem over and over again, now, I'm not that obsessed fan, but parts of this song were really reaching out for someone who wasn't there for you.  This was a time in my life when I had lost someone who I loved with all my heart and no matter how I waited or tried....there was no response back and I felt lost and confused.  The end of this song there was a stark realization the fan had committed a murder suicide.  This ending actually was something that helped me to realize there is an end to something....but unlike the fan, I felt more like Eminem reaching a understanding and going 'wow'....It helped me to wake up and go 'wow', it's over and there's nothing more I can do.

2002
8 Mile Soundtrack.  Lose Yourself.
This is the song that made me take the leap to move to New Orleans.....It made me think of what my dreams were and opened me up to applying to inner city schools across the country.  This pushed me to take the chance and lose myself by going after what I wanted and to take off......the lyrics tell it all.  The lines that really hit me are colored...


Lose Yourself:
Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?
(Verse 1)
Yeah,
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready
To drop bombs, but he keeps on forgetting
What he wrote down, the whole crowd goes so loud
He opens his mouth, but the words won't come out
He's choking how, everybody's joking now
The clock's run out, time's up over, bloah!
Snap back to reality, oh there goes gravity
Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked
He's so mad, but he won't give up that
Easy, no
He won't have it, he knows his whole back's to these ropes
It don't matter, he's dope
He knows that, but he's broke
He's so stagnant that he knows
When he goes back to his mobile home, that's when it's
Back to the lab again yo
This whole rhapsody
He better go capture this moment and hope it don't pass him
(Chorus)
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)
(Verse 2)
This soul's escaping, through this hole that is gaping
This world is mine for the taking
Make me king, as we move toward a, new world order
A normal life is boring, but superstardom's close to post mortem
It only grows harder, homey grows hotter
He blows it's all over, these hoes is all on him
Coast to coast shows, he's know as the Globetrotter
Lonely roads, God only knows
He's grown farther from home, he's no father
He goes home and barely knows his own daughter
But hold your nose 'cause here goes the cold water
These hoes don't want him no mo', he's cold product
They moved on to the next schmoe who flows
He nose dove and sold nada
So the soap opera is told and unfolds
I suppose it's old partner, but the beat goes on
Da da dum da dum da da
(Chorus)
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)
(Verse 3)
No more games, I'ma change what you call rage
Tear this motherfucking roof off like two dogs caged
I was playing in the beginning, the mood all changed
I been chewed up, and spit out, and booed off stage
But I kept rhyming and stepwritin' the next cypher
Best believe somebody's paying the pied piper
All the pain inside amplified by the
Fact that I can't get by with my nine to five
And I can't provide the right type of life for my family
'Cause man, these Goddamn food stamps don't buy diapers
And it's no movie, there's no Mekhi Phifer, this is my life
And these times are so hard and it's getting even harder
Trying to feed and water my seed, plus
Teeter totter caught up between being a father and a prima donna
Baby mama drama's screaming on and
Too much for me to wanna
Stay in one spot, another day of monotony
Has gotten me to the point, I'm like a snail
I've got to formulate a plot or end up in jail or shot
Success is my only motherfucking option, failure's not
Mom, I love you, but this trailer's got to go
I cannot grow old in Salem's Lot
So here I go is my shot.
Feet fail me not 'cause maybe the only opportunity that I got
(Chorus)
You better lose yourself in the music, the moment
You own it, you better never let it go go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
This opportunity comes once in a lifetime yo (x2)
(Outro)
You can do anything you set your mind to, man

2002-2003
The Eminem Show. Cleaning Out My Closet.
Now....although this song mirrors a parent, all I saw in this one is who I was after college.....a little lost and looking for a way to clean out my own closet of a life.  I was lost, working a long term sub job, feeling like I needed to move on. It was also a moment I knew I needed to find myself again.  I was also struggling with some family things at the time and although I hadn't wanted to hurt others, it still happened.  Here's the chorus...
I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm
cleanin' out my closet, {one more time}, I said i'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I
never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet...

2005-2008
Eminem took a musical hiatus here.....I took a mental hiatus from life and just went through the motions thanks to Hurricane Katrina.  Not an easy time....

2009
Relapse.
This album was his first in a long time, and it wasn't really a decent album.  Nothing like his previous ones.  This is the year I feel like I started to try being 'me' again, and it didn't work out all that well either.

2010
Recovery.  Not Afraid.
Although this entire album seems to have hit the mark.....Not Afraid is my favorite.  To me it's another classic song that pulls at me in a place so deep many will never see.  A place few are ever let in.  This song has felt like an awakening to me.  It helped me to want more again in life.  I want more now again and that's why I'm leaving this entry here...

I'm not afraid to want things again.
I'm not afraid to dream again.
I'm not afraid to take that leap again.
I'm not afraid to see my strength again after a long period of darkness.

Not Afraid:

(hook)

'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
(Intro)
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
(Verse 1)
You can try and read my lyrics off of this paper before I lay 'em
But you won't take this thing out these words before I say 'em
Cause ain't no way I'm let you stop me from causing mayhem
When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn
What you think, I'm doing this for me, so fuck the world
Feed it beans, it's gassed up, if a thing's stopping me
I'mma be what I set out to be, without a doubt undoubtedly
And all those who look down on me I'm tearing down your balcony
No if ands or buts don't try to ask him why or how can he
From Infinite down to the last Relapse album he's still shit'n
Whether he's on salary, paid hourly
Until he bows out or he shit's his bowels out of him
Whichever comes first, for better or worse
He's married to the game, like a fuck you for christmas
His gift is a curse, forget the earth he's got the urge
To pull his dick from the dirt and fuck the universe
(Hook)
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
(Verse 2)
Ok quit playin' with the scissors and shit, and cut the crap
I shouldn't have to rhyme these words in the rhythm for you to know it's a rap
You said you was king, you lied through your teeth
For that fuck your feelings, instead of getting crowned you're getting capped
And to the fans, I'll never let you down again, I'm back
I promise to never go back on that promise, in fact
Let's be honest, that last Relapse CD was "ehhhh"
Perhaps I ran them accents into the ground
Relax, I ain't going back to that now
All I'm tryna say is get back, click-clack BLAOW
Cause I ain't playin' around
There's a game called circle and I don't know how
I'm way too up to back down
But I think I'm still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn't
This fucking black cloud still follow's me around
But it's time to exercise these demons
These motherfuckers are doing jumping jacks now!
(Hook)
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
(Bridge)
And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now
(Verse 3)
It was my decision to get clean, I did it for me
Admittedly I probably did it subliminally for you
So I could come back a brand new me, you helped see me through
And don't even realise what you did, believe me you
I been through the ringer, but they can do little to the middle finger
I think I got a tear in my eye, I feel like the king of
My world, haters can make like bees with no stingers, and drop dead
No more beef flingers, no more drama from now on, I promise
To focus soley on handling my responsibility's as a father
So I solemnly swear to always treat this roof like my daughters and raise it
You couldn't lift a single shingle on it
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and
(Hook)
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road

Bali.

Thinking about this journey, I'm very interested in going to Bali.  This is an odd one for me because never before have I felt the need or desire to travel to Indonesia. I guess you could say it's one of those places I've overlooked in the past, one I put off because the culture never really seemed to interest me.  This all changed watching Eat, Pray, Love.  I know not all movies are filmed in their real-setting locations, but this one was actually filmed in Bali.  I looked it up.  The images of Bali I've found since then are stunning, absolutely beautiful.  I've learned that Bali is a Hindu country and escapes the more typical Muslim cultures which surround Indonesia and India. I've learned that Bali has exquisite beaches and spectacular land features.  I've also learned that the monsoon season is over by June, which will make it a perfect time for me to make my journey.  Bali is also supposed to be one of the best places in the world for underwater life with an abundance of fish, coral, dolphins, sharks, crustaceans, and eels.  Up until the last century Bali also was inhabited by tigers and elephants, sadly though they are now gone.  Such horrible things people do to the nature of our planet.  Bali is also a very communal place, where families work/celebrate ceremonies together as a way of life. Hard to believe that a few weeks ago I knew next to nothing about Bali and now it's a place that is fascinating me in ways I never thought it could.

Although my journey is far off, and my ideas of where to go right now are scattered.....I'm finding I might need to plan which way around this world I'd like to go.  I have a multitude of places I want to discover but there will have to be some planning on my part because I can't just go skipping off to Bali then Europe then Africa then Australia in no particular order.  It's looking like I need to decide which way to go first.....and maybe the New York to Europe route would be smartest. I'm thinking one of my last stops will be towards Bali/Australia or to some other South Pacific island nation before returning to the United States in August or July.  My goal is for the first U.S. soil to touch down on to be Hawaii, I think that would be a great way to be welcomed back into the country.